While my holiday vactions were busy, diving and dancing, I also had the chance to witness some amazing sunsets. Sunsets have always provided me a time of reflection, an opportunity to drop whatever I am doing and focus inward. It amazing how a sunset´s sheer beauty can infuse even the most topical of moments with a sense of profoundness we don´t always allow ourselves...
Having had the luck of seeing many fresh and salt water sunsets over the past 2 weeks, I took the opportunity to reflect on experiences of this past year as well as what I would like out of the year to come. I realized that while I have absolutely enjoyed this past year in Honduras; there are many things I would like to change in the way that I approach my work and what has become my life here. Including how I approach this blog!!
My limited travels have taught me that it is extremely easy to stay in a place for any given amount of time - 3 weeks at camp, a semester abroad, 4 years of college, as long as you know that at the end of the experience, you are able to go back home. The idea of returning home makes it easier to view daily stressers as temporary and insubstantial. It is not until you begin to consider making a life for yourself in another place that ¨the little things¨ begin to matter. (I personally think that this is why so many temporary international volunteers have such a hard time going home. They have shielded themselves from the experiences and growth that have occurred abroad with the expectations of returning to the exact same, more ¨comfortable¨, life they had... only realize that this is nearly impossible.) Having been in a fairly constant state of moving for the past 6 years, I have become extremely good at adapting to my surroundings, adopting the characteristics and ideals of those I live with. (Silly but true example: While living in Chicago I wore $100 Lucky brand jeans and went out every weekend, in Milwaukee I wore $20 Old Navy jeans and worked on a farm.) I had not thought about how this adaptation process has affected me here in Honduras until recently when I was able to let my hair down and relax, far from the strict gender roles and prying eyes of small town Honduras.
Previous posts have discussed the difficulties of being a woman in Honduras; however, all of this tends to be compounded living in a small, rural area where gossip is the primary form of communication. In an effort to protect myself as well as open doors, I have overrelied on softer, sweeter personality traits as a crutch. These thoughts were confirmed when a bilingual friend told me, ¨you are nicer in Spanish than you are in English.¨ Upon hearing this, two things happened: 1. I laughed :) as I always felt like people thought I was too nice in English... and 2. I immediately thought of the concept of ¨Marianismo,¨ a culture that requires women to play the part of Mary, sweet, kind, and pure- a rose without its thorns. While this sweetly tempered optimism is truly a part of who I am and has gained me the confidence of many female counterparts, it has also backfired, leaving me with an uncomfortable barage of male admirers and the opportunity for a lack of respect in more formal work settings, including the opportunity to confront ideals that run contrary to my own.
I recently decided not to let this soft side wither, but rather aument it with the strength and proactiveness that has lied fairly inert this past year. I took this new ¨actitud¨for a spin recently and felt a rush of energy and purpose that I didn´t realize I was missing. While I understand that this change has the opportunity to adversely affect both my working and personal relationships here, I feel that I am finally ready to ¨live¨ in Honduras, and to do that, I need to be myself- all of it.
Sooooo.... what does that mean for THE BLOG???? I promise that not all of my future entries will be nearly as text heavy; however, I hope to show a more holistic context of the Honduras I have come to know and love. Past entries have been fairly rose-colored in nature, and I feel that Honduras´intricacies, it´s contradictions and controversies, make it a much richer experience than what I have portrayed thus far. I hope that this deeper look at culture provokes curiosity and questions... and perhaps even a healthy debate! I do promise to keep lots of photos in the mix for all you skimmers out there ;)
Love and Light in the New Year ~Amanda
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